Okay, some of you may have doubted I would ever get there among the stars. But I did. I have video evidence to prove this. Anyone who saw the TV show would have seen this. So here is my run-down of my experience of TV’s night of nights.
John Waters Knows What it’s Like to Have Girls Want Him
So, after almost losing hope of attending the Logie Awards, I sent an e-mail to Edwina Throsby at the ABC asking if she could tell me when the segment for Mondo Thingo on The Quest would air. She told me that they had editing it all together and another producer, Shelley Horton, would be calling me in the next few days to film some extra things at the Logies. When Shelley called she said to me ‘Alright, we are gonna’ have some fun’.
Then there’s me, in my finest suit and silver tie, standing in a hotel lobby full of important ABC people. Shelley quickly took me up to the second floor make up room where I was to have a make up girl kiss me all over my head and neck. Just to clarify, that last line is correct. I shared this room with TV actors Magda Szubanski and Libby Tanner and for a moment I thought ‘this make-up girl is kissing me in a completely non-arousing manner’. And in fact I was right, she was dragging her lips across my cheeks to make it look as though I had been ravished.
This was for the scene I would film upstairs, where a camera was set up and waiting. I was introduced to Amanda Keller, the host of Mondo Thingo. The shot, as you would have seen on TV, was Amanda Walking out from around a corner touching up her lipstick, then me walking out behind her looking as if we’d just been ‘a-gettin’ it on’. I was to stumble out looking like I’d enjoyed myself. I thanked Amanda for fictionally feeling me up then was rushed back to the make-up room as we were running late for the red carpet.
I stood waiting in the make-up room whilst other ABC types were getting their final touches. Next to me was singer-slash-actor John Waters. He looked at me, all messed up clothes and lipstick. I smiled, shrugged my shoulders to him.
‘Don’t worry mate, I know what it’s like to have women all over you’ He said.
‘I’m sure you do, John’ I replied.
‘Yeah, Well Your Home Videos, They Suck’
A quick clean up later and we were packed into an ABC wagon headed to the red carpet. We stormed through to the media section and set up camera. Our worry was that, after my past Conversations with TV Week that I may have a red mark against my name. Apparently not. I watched as the painted brown, bleached teeth TV types pranced the media arrivals section.
Suzie Wilkes arrived and I asked her about our pre-arranged Logies date. It went something like:
Me: ‘Suzie, I met you at Federation Square a while ago and you said you’d be my date to the Logies’
Suzie: ‘Yes, yes, I do’
Me: ‘What’s the deal? Did you find someone else?’
Suzie: ‘Well, I’m actually here with one of the Cirque du Soleil guys’
(Sounds very unbelievable, either that, or I got dumped for a clown)
Me: ‘Okay, as long as it wasn’t Durie, if it had been Durie I’d be upset’
Suzie: ‘No, well maybe next year’
Me: ‘Next year, yeah, is that a definite?’
Suzie: ‘Well, maybe not definite’
Me: ‘But more of a yes than no’
Suzie: “I’m gonna’ get myself in trouble here. Maybe’
Me: ‘Okay, So I will put you down with a leaning towards yes response’
Suzie: (unsure) ‘Okay.’
So, Suzie will be my date next year. No doubt about it. I then spoke to the Toni Pearen, host of Australia’s Funniest Home Videos and former singer, who I thought maybe I could talk into a private Barry White listening party after the show. She barely gave me a chance to talk before waving me off.
‘Yeah, well your home videos, they suck’ I yelled as she walked away. Okay, I didn’t yell, more of a quiet under my breath thing. Which she couldn’t hear.
I spoke to Shannon Noll about his song ‘Drive’, the lyrics of which had confused a friend of mine (apparently written by Bryan Adams):
Me: ‘Shannon, I was just wondering what your song drive is actually about?’
Shannon: (imitate Shannon’s Aussie bloke voice in your head for this) Mate, I think it’s just abeout a gouy who really loves his caaar’
Me: ‘Shannon, that’s the best possible answer I could have expected.’
I saw former Playboy Model Victoria Silvstedt’s breast fall out of her dress, I asked David Koch for a share tip, I laughed at Rove McManus’ poor excuse for a beard (McManus, who still remains my strongest opposition in my Quest), I made myself feel better by standing as close as I could to Jamie Durie (he’s, like, tiny that guy, up to my shoulder), I got told a disturbing story about Don Lane and I pretended to be someone I was not. Ah, The Logies.
The Red Carpet
It was a little later when I got the nerve to try to break into the Logies. But I wasn’t looking to sneak in, oh no, I wanted the people to see me walk with pride with all the other small screen faces. I wanted the people to know that The Quest knows no fear or limits. I represent you, the supporters of my mission, and I am proud. So I did. I waited for an opportune moment (ie. when the security guards had their backs turned because Delta Goodrem and The Poo had just arrived) and I casually strolled down the red carpet, waving to the adoring fans, patting Paul Hogan on the back as I came through. I walked through the wall of cheers (mostly for Delta The Poo) and smiled to the crowd. And they chanted to me. They supported The Quest. They loved it. ‘Andrew, Andrew’ they screamed and clapped. A couple of security guards looked at me funny. A couple of TV Week people spoke to each other on their microphones. But no-one dared stop The Quest on this night. And I strolled up to a smiling blonde girl at a podium. She tilted her head slightly and asked:
‘Do you have your ticket?’
‘Ah, no, I just came in and I left it with, someone…’ The blonde girl laughed slightly, gestured for me to walk back the way I came.
‘I left it with Ray Martin’ I pointed, like I’d just recalled which celebrity held my prized ticket.
‘Ray’s not here’ She said. And so, the dream this night ended. Ray is not here.
Hanging Out With TV Types
We headed back to the hotel for the ABC after party. I mingled with ABC folks, shook hands, made jokes, told them of The Quest. Some of them had had so many wines that it was the greatest idea they’d ever heard. I hung out with the CNNNN guys and other folk. The crew filmed on last shot of me with the guys as a closer for the segment and The Quest’s work was done for the night. I’d made contact, I’d let the TV types know that The Quest was a go.
A celebrity, who will go unnamed, had come up to me at the Logies and said she could sneak me into the after party, said it was gonna’ be ‘cool’. But I declined.
I’ll be saving that experience for next year.