In my ongoing mission, I felt that, in the interest of The Quest, I should take myself to the 2003 Logie Awards and meet and greet celebrities of the small screen. Introduce them to The Quest. It was to be a reconnaissance mission, gathering information from past winners through a series of cleverly worded, on the surface innocent, questions which would cause them to unwittingly reveal the true secrets of the Logies. To do this, first I would have to get the permission of TV Week to get me close enough to the red carpet.
First though, a little back story. In November last year Andrew Hornery, Editor of the Spike section of the Sydney Morning Herald calls me up. He says he’s checked out The Quest and he thinks the idea is perfect for Spike. He asks if he can call and do an interview with me, to which I of course say yes. The people must know about The Quest. So we do an interview and Hornery runs a brief article on The Quest with a photo, telling people where they can go to vote, as many of you have. The next day TV Week editor Emma Nolan has rang Hornery and said, directly quoted, that I have an ‘ice cube’s chance in hell of succeeding’. Firstly, I was flattered that TV Week felt the need to respond. But then something else kicked in. This comment, this retort, it had fuelled me more. Now, I thought, The Quest has to succeed.
I called TV Week and asked the lovely sounding receptionist if I could speak to someone about the Logie Awards. She put me through to Candice McLintock, Assistant Brand Manager at the magazine. I introduced myself and informed her of The Quest.
‘Ah’, She said.
‘Do you know who I am?’ I asked.
‘Yes’, She said. ‘We know who you are.’ I felt as if there had been a picture of me attached to their dart board. I felt as if the humour of The Quest had not been appreciated by the hard working entertainment writers of TV Week. This was strange since I had spoken to someone else at the magazine at an earlier stage who seemed to like the idea. But Candice McLintock, her mood turned ever so slightly when she became aware of who I was.
McLintock informed me that there was no way I could win in the 2004 Logies, as I had not been on TV within the ratings period. She said the best new talent has to have made a ‘significant’ TV debut in the year. She said maybe I should try for next year, get myself an agent, get a few acting gigs. To this I replied:
‘Oh, okay, so how would I go about getting an agent?’ McLintock seemed less than impressed with this question. I felt like I had cut the magazine deep with my mission, and they would not condone my quest in any way. TV Week seemed to feel that my Logies dream was making a mockery of Australian television’s night of nights. To a certain degree I could understand why. But in the same way, I felt they had treated The Quest with mockery, as if their Awards were too good for me. Too good for an average Australian nobody. Who drops his pants at Flinders Street Station.
So back to the mission at hand, getting into the Logies this year. As you can see, The Quest’s relationship with TV Week thus far been less than accommodating. I hopefully, and happily rang TV Week again on Thursday the 29th of January 2004. The game plan? Basically, ring, tell them of my mission, hope they appreciate the joke, and stroll straight into the Logies. Get a beautiful woman on my arm. Chat with Lisa McCune about Coles commercials. Talk to Peter ‘Phelpsy’ Phelps about undercover strategies. Talk to Jamie Durie about gardening and stripping. To Amity Dry about lighthouses. Inform Burgo that pretty much every ‘catch phrase’ on his show is NOT a catch phrase in any way.
That be the game plan. Basically.
The lovely sounding receptionist put me through, again, to Candice McLintock. The conversation basically went like this:
Me: Hello, yes I am currently documenting a small campaign to win a Logie Award.
Basically the gist of the story is of a guy who is not on TV who wants to win a Logie, and following his attempt to do so. What I am calling for is to see if there is anyway I may be able to do some interviews and possibly some filming at the Logies this year. If not inside, then if there is a media section outside where I could ask some questions..
CM: Right, well I don’t think we’d be able to help you with that, all the media must be accredited and there is a lot of security and…
Me: So there is no where, even outside, that you could get me into. I am a member of the Media and Arts Alliance, if you need that sort of thing for accreditation?
CM: What’s the media alliance?
Me: The Media and Arts Alliance, it’s…
CM; No, you’d have to be properly accredited and there’s just nothing we can do for you. Hey, aren’t you the guy who’s running an online petition?
CM: Yeah, I remember your voice from the last time you called. (slight pause) Yeah, no there’s nothing we can do for you sorry.
Me: So, nothing at all.
CM (In a ‘your wasting my time now’ tone) No, sorry.
Basically, Candice McLintock seemed about as impressed my mission as a girl taken to McDonald’s on a first date. I got the feeling that I could have said ‘But I am a millionaire who has made my fortune through writing for some of the world’s largest magazines, and also I’m related to Kerry Packer’ and she would still have stonewalled me. Though lucky she didn’t call my bluff on that Media and Arts Federation claim, as I am currently not on their register.
So, friends, maybe the easy way of getting to the Logies is currently blocked. Maybe a simple nod from TV Week will not be forthcoming. But, as is one of the founding principles of The Quest for a Logie, there is always another way.
P.S. If anyone reading this can hook me up with some tickets, e-mail Questforalogie@Yahoo.com. I offer a night of charming one-liners, stupid TV trivia and the chance to personally play a part in this, The Quest for a Logie.